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20 Oct

‘Chaiwala’, actually an undercover agent

As news of a ‘hot’ chaiwala grips the country,  the ‘chaiwala’ is forced to speak up on how the media frenzy has ruined his life. In an exclusive interview, the chaiwala opens up to Something Haute.

p.s: We are the first news organization to break this news to you!

The chaiwala, originally known as Arshad Khan, is an 18 year old European spy from Paris, a prodigy, since he is the youngest man on the job and was very good at it, till Pakistani youngsters ruined his life. “I was on a mission in Pakistan and was told to assume an identity, so I chose to be a chaiwala because it’s such an inconspicuous job; who even pays attention to the chaiwalas?” lamented an unhappy Khan, who claims that all this social media attention is the exact opposite of what a profession like his requires. Not wanting to divulge the exact details of the secret organization Khan works for, the young spy has had to change professions as the secret headquarters have informed him that his face is being called ‘the nuclear weapon of Pakistan’ by enemy territories of the country. “It was bad enough that my face became so well known; now I’m being used as a war reference between nuclear countries! I’m surprised my organization is letting me off the hook so easily.”

Khan says that at first, he thought the situation could be salvaged. “Everyone kept calling me the chaiwala and didn’t know my name so I thought that maybe I work undercover, assume a good disguise and get on with my life,” but things didn’t go according to plan as news publications hunted him down and did articles about his true identity. Khan angrily flares up: “Who even cares to find out a chaiwalas name?! Why me?!”

Unfortunately, Khan is being forced to change professions now. “If you’re good looking, there are only two things you can do in the world. Either become a spy or be a model.” Khan says his inspiration came from James Bond, “He was a spy AND a model/actor as well!”  Luckily he has landed his first gig in Islamabad modelling for a clothing company. “Social media has ruined things for us agents. People can hunt you down so easily.”

We are hopeful that Khan can move on with his life. He does say that he cannot return to his real home now as he is being considered a failure. However, it seems like the Pakistanis are extremely excited to have him so he has a new home anyway. “I only pray for the safety of other agents working as chaiwala, dhobis and other similar inconspicuous professions. May they never face such an ordeal.”

  • This article is a spoof, a work of satire, which unfortunately we have to point out since people may accuse us of spreading misinformation.
Manal Faheem Khan

The author is Contributing Editor at Something Haute who has studied film and journalism from SZABIST. Will be found at the gym if not in the office.